Your Identity Holds You Back

And how to break free

The way we self-identity in conversation with others shapes our reality.

When someone asks who you are, what is your response?

"My name is Evan. I am an engineer at a software startup."

This was the response I gave people for years while working at my last company.

My answer changed depending on who asked me the question.

If the context was a friends and family setting, I would identify myself based on who I was there with.

"I am Eileen's son. My name is Evan."

My identity was so context-dependent.

In college, I told people my major.

At hackathons, which are events where programmers come together to solve problems, I told people about my technical skillset.

When my bones were broken due to longboarding accidents and my arms casted in Styrofoam, I joked about being a reckless person.

There are a million ways I introduce myself to people when I meet them for the first time.

The way I describe myself is to the benefit of the other person, rather than being a true reflection of who I am.

To tell a person you meet for the first time all the hats and masks you have worn throughout your life is overwhelming.

This is not how you make a great first impression.

When you introduce yourself using the same mask over and over again:

• I am a programmer.

• I am a student.

• I am a writer.

You risk linking your sense of self with this identity.

It is more powerful to know you are none of these things:

Yes, I program.

Yes, I write.

Yes, I am a student.

Yet these masks are like costumes I wear to a party. They are not who I am.

This party could last a day, or it could last for many years.

When you leave the party, do not forget to take off your costume.

Or if you want to wear it longer, remember it is a costume on your body and not who you truly are.

If you find this idea challenging, know you are not alone.

Last week I ran across a difficult question:

What would it be like to lose the ability to read?

Since I was little, I devoured books.

To even contemplate losing this ability was unsettling.

My mind began to play defense against the mental exercise.

"Well, I would use audiobooks," my ego said.

"Okay. What if you were deaf and blind?" another part of my mind said.

"I would learn to read braille," I continued to myself.

I brought the train of thought to a halt.

The point of the question is not to engineer your way out of the situation.

Instead, feel into what it would be like to give up reading.

For me?

It was depressing.

Part of who I am is someone who loves to read.

To lose the ability to read books would mean I could never put on my mask of a book reader ever again.

This question allowed me to see how attached I am to the part of my identity that enjoys reading.

The reality check?

I reflected back on my childhood and remembered:

Before I knew how to read, I was content.

I came to the conclusion:

• As long as I am capable of grieving the loss of my ability to read,

• then I should be able to return to a state of contentment,

• despite never performing an activity I love ever again.

You can go through this exercise for every part of your life.

Your home.

Your career.

Your family.

Your health.

Your wealth.

Your friends.

Your partner.

Your hobbies.

As you play with this exercise, watch what thoughts and emotions arise.

Immense personal growth hides in those little bubbles.

Understand what you cling to.

Only then can you set yourself free.

From a place of freedom, you can pick up and toss away masks as you see fit.

The career you worked so hard to build and no longer makes you happy?

You hold onto it because of your attachment to the sunk effort.

See how your desire for perfect health and the distance between this out-of-reach state and your current reality makes you feel like you are not enough as you are.

See how certain friends, and the consumption habits you bond over, keep you stuck in old patterns that no longer serve you.

See how the house you saved up to buy now consumes too much of your attention, care, and financial resources. This makes you feel like there is a ball and chain trapping you to the house.

Perform an audit of your life. Especially when all the triggers come up.

Please give yourself grace.

Do not burn everything down all at once.

Or think you need to get rid of everything.

Be grateful to your past self for everything you have created.

It was with the best intentions. Everything had its purpose.

The people, situations, and patterns you identify as restricting you from future growth do not have malintent.

Often where you feel the greatest internal resistance towards taking an action and making a change is where your true growth opportunity lies.

Trust in yourself.

Be courageous.

Pull off the old masks that no longer serve you.

To see a clear vision of your future self.

P.S. I published my first E-Book yesterday. Read it here.